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Friday, September 30th, 2005
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1:47 pm
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why the fuck do you always act like i owe you something if you do me a favor...real friend.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
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12:50 am - drama
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i got back from memphis yesterday, and it's like i never left. i nearly had a panic attack earlier. i feel like there's something wrong with my head.
i don't know why i'm like this. why can't i just allow myself to be happy? why did our family have to go through so much shit this year?
i had such a great time down south. i cried so much at the airport on the way back. you never realize what kind of stress you leave at home until you return to it a week later. it's like, idk, i feel like most people would expect things to shape up, even a little, while they're gone. who cares if it was only for a week?
ugh.
i feel like i got nothing accomplished. hogan listened to my songs and picked them apart. it didn't matter how proud i am of the work i've done on them, they weren't good enough. i know he wasn't saying that in so many words, but he was still getting on my nerves with all his, "well, when i was in the business," bullshit.
and anything i thought i may have accomplished with my dad were all hopes and dreams, i guess. he avoided everything i wanted to talk about. i thought maybe at the end of this week, he and i would have become closer, but that wasn't the case. i bet i won't talk to him for another week or two, just like it was before we left.
god. i wish i wasn't so fucking messed up. my mom hates me. she thinks i don't want to be here or whatever. i mean, i guess i really don't, but it has nothing to do with my love for her like she's making it out to be. it's not like i have anywhere to go anyway.
and i'm just a fuck up when it comes to relationships, i guess. i think i'm clinically insane. i don't think you'll get anyone to disagree, especially chris at the moment.
i don't want to be like this. i don't know why i am. i have never dealt with so much trauma in my life, and all of a sudden, i feel like all my life has been for the past year was nothing but trauma. i guess i need help, but i'm just not comfortable with talking to him about this. i know he must think it's something about him. idk if it's because he can't relate or what.
i wish i could just get it all out so i can breathe again. my head has been pounding for several hours now. i feel like i can't get enough air. i don't want to be like this. what is wrong with me?
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, March 27th, 2005
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1:40 am
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Love Myth #2: All you need is love.
Love - while grand - is not the duct tape of the heart. Love has the bonding properties of a slightly tattered and linty stretch of Scotch tape; it might do the job for awhile, but you better not be counting on it to hold anything together long term. Love's a great start, but totally useless until you can also communicate, understand each other, and solve problems.
...how apropos. just when i couldn't figure out what the hell went wrong...i definitely need to work on this.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, March 25th, 2005
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1:55 am - UGH!
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i really don't know how much more of this shit i can take. i don't need a father. i have one. i don't need to report to anybody about what i do. i don't need to feel like i'm going to be yelled at every fucking evening. i don't need to feel bad about doing something.
why the fuck does this shit have to happen?
maybe i'm being a little too crowded. maybe he's taking too much of my space. maybe he's becoming way more attatched than i am at this point. maybe he's somewhere that i'm not...
...ugh.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, March 19th, 2005
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3:57 am - ...sigh...
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| Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
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2:07 am - just to waste time.
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SECTiON 1 [YOU.]
+ your name: beka
+ your gender: girl
+ age: 20
+ height: 5'3"
+ hair color: brown
+ eye color: dark brown
+ your location: Coram, New York
+ fears: spiders!
SECTiON 2 [ HAVE YOU EVER ]
+ peed your pants? i just laughed so hard i peed myself like 10 minutes ago! no lie.
+ fallen off the bed? idk.
+ fallen for a relative? we're not in pennsylvania anymore, todo.
+ had plastic surgery? no
+ broke someone's heart? yeah, i'm pretty sure anyway.
+ had your heart broken? yes.
+ had a dream come true? yes.
+ done something you regret? yes, :- /
+ cheated on a test? probably in like fifth grade.
+ broken a body part? no.
SECTiON 3 [ CURRENTLY]
+ wearing ? my blue pj pants and my orange special olympics volunteer shirt.
+ listening to ? tyler talking on the phone through the wall. he should be sleeping.
+ chewing - uh, nothing.
+ feeling - kinda nautious, actually.
+ reading ? this stupid survey...god, i'm bored.
+ located - my room.
+ watching ? my cats bitch at each other.
+ should REALLY be - sleeping.
SECTiON 5 [ FRiENDS ]
+ do you belong to a crew? does a sorority count?
+ do you hang out with the opposite sex? with my boyfriend.
+ do you consider yourself popular? average, i guess.
+ do you trust your friends? yes.
+ are you a good friend? i concider myself to be, yes.
+ can you keep a secret? if i have to.
SECTiON 6 [ THE LAST PERSON YOU...]
+ hugged ? my mom.
+ IMed ? chris.
+ talked to on the phone ? my mom...i sound like a mamma's girl.
+ yelled at - brad, haha.
+ turned down ? idk?
SECTiON 7 [ PERSONAL ]
+ What do you want to be when you grow up? a rock star.
+ What was the worst day of your life? probably all of last week, :(
+ What has been the best day of your life? hmm, that's a toughy...
+ If you had an extra set of eyes where would you put them? that's a bizzare question.
+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed? i usually pray.
SECTiON 8 [ FAVORITE . . .]
+ Movie: eternal sunsine of the spotless mind, garden state.
+ Song: way too many to chose from.
+ Band: guster.
+ Store: i really can't stand shopping.
+ Relative: gramma...and poppy. :(
+ Sport: baseball/softball.
+ Vacation Spot: i don't really get to vacation often.
+ Fruit: banana.
+ Candy: i love chocolate.
+ Holiday: thanksgiving.
+ Day of the Week: i like saturdays.
+ Color: burgundyish.
+ Magazine: i like people, i guess.
SECTiON 9 [ DO YOU . . .]
+ Like to give hugs - yes.
+ Like to walk in the rain? yes.
+ Sleep with or without clothes on? not really.
+ Prefer black or blue pens? black all the way!
+ Dress up on Halloween? sometimes.
+ Have a job? i need a damn job.
+ Like to travel? i wish i could more.
+ Like someone? yeah.
+ Sleep on your side, tummy, or back? side/tummy.
+ Think you're attractive? - sometimes, but not right now.
+ Want to marry? - i hope to.
+ Have a goldfish? - my brother does, and i bought them. does that count?
+ Ever have the falling dream? - yeah.
+ Have stuffed animals? - yep.
+ Go on vacation? ? i wish.
SECTiON 10 [ WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT . . .]
+ Abortion: idk, but definitely not as a form of birth control.
+ Bill Clinton: eh, ok.
+ Eating Disorders: i like it too much to be anorexic or bulemic.
+ Summer: not so much.
+ Tattoos: not for me.
+ Piercing: i only have funky ones in my ears.
+ Make-up: sometimes.
+ Guys: some of them are ok.
+ Girls: can really be bitches sometimes...i'm not gonna lie.
SECTiON 11 [ THIS OR THAT]
+ Pierced nose or tongue? ? eh, whatever. they're equally as unattractive to me.
+ Be serious or funny? - funny
+ Single or taken? taken.
+ Simple or Complicated? shoot for simple.
+ MTV or BET? - mtv.
+ 7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek? - hmm, that's a close one, seriously.
+ Sugar or salt? - another tough one. hrmm.
+ Silver or gold? - white gold...best of both worlds.
+ Tongue or belly button ring? neither.
+ Chocolate or flowers? flowers.
+ Color or Black-and-white photos? black and white.
+ Sunrise or sunset? - idk, i guess it depends where i am.
+ M&M's or Skittles? m&m's.
+ Rap or Rock? - rock.
+ Stay up late or sleep in? both...i'm a bum.
+ TV or radio? - i usually just watch movies.
+ Hot or cold? - i like warm!
+ members of the opposite sex taller or shorter? - taller.
+ Sun or moon? - moon.
+ Diamond or Ruby? ? pssh, diamonds!
+ Left or Right? righty.
+ 10 acquaintances or one best friend? one best friend.
+ Vanilla or chocolate? - vanilla ice cream,.chocolate everything else.
+ Kids or no kids? - kids.
+ Mustard or ketchup? mustard.
+ Newspaper or Magazine? - magazine.
+ Spring or Fall? - ...cough cough...autumn. ha.
+ Give or receive? - depends ;)
+ Rain or snow? - snow, definitely.
+ Happy or sad? - i'm pretty sad right now.
+ sneakers or sandals? flip flops.
+ McDonald's or Burger king - both are gross.
+ Lights on or off? - off.
+ A house in the woods or the city? woods.
+ Pepsi or Coke? - i'm more of an iced tea person.
+ Nike or ADIDAS? - adidas.
i hate when they end on stupid questions. fuckers!
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
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12:41 am - cause i'm bored...
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[Marital Status] taken
[Shoe size] 8.5
[Parents still together] i wish :(
[Siblings] brad and tyler.
[Pets] dogs: kodi and aly cats: hazel, kc, sambo, and oliver.
FAVORITES....
[Color] burgundy
[Number] 28
[Animal] i love polar bears!
[Drinks] iced tea
[Kicked someone in the nuts?] kneed...
[Stolen anything?] i stole a yo-yo from ames in pa.
[Held a gun] only a b b gun.
[Soda] i don't like soda that much.
[Book] she's come undone, by wally lamb.
DO YOU...
[Color your hair?] i have.
[Twirl your hair?] yes, when i'm upset.
[Have tattoos?] not me, i'm jewish!
[Have Piercings?] i have 9 piercings in my ears.
[Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both?] hmmmm? xoxo
[Cheat on tests/homework?] yeah, once or twice.
[Drink/Smoke?] sometimes.
[Like roller coasters?] no, they terrify me!
[Wish you could live somewhere else?] definitely.
[Want more piercings?] i don't think so.
[Like cleaning?] not particularly.
[Write in cursive or print?] depends..
[Sweat a lot?] not really, thank god.
[Own a web cam?] yeah, but it's not hooked up.
[Know how to drive?] yes.
[Diet?] are you trying to tell me something?
[Own a cell phone?] i wish.
[Ever get off the damn computer?] yes, i do..
HAVE U EVER ...
[Been in a fist fight?] no
[Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name?] no
[Considered a life of crime?] haha, no.
[Considered being a hooker?] what if i said yes?
[Cried over a girl?] only friends..chill.
[Cried over a boy?] c'mon girls, haven't we all?
[Lied to someone?] yes.
[Been in love?] y-e-s.
[Fallen for your best friend?] no.
[Made out with JUST a friend?] yes.
[Been rejected?] too many times.
[Been in lust?] yes.
[Used someone] no
[Been used?] idk.
[Been cheated on?] no.
[Been kissed?] yes!
CURRENTS ...
[Current clothing] my pj pants and a breat cancer walk shirt.
[Current mood] eh...blah.
[current taste] grossness.
[What you currently smell like] idk, me, i guess.
[Current hair] just blown out.
[Current thing I ought to be doing] nothing.
[Current cds in stereo] guster.
[Current crush] chris.
[Current job] i'm a taxi driver for my family.
THE LAST TIME...
[Last book you read] the partner.
[Last movie you saw] anchorman!
[Last thing you ate] cinnamon toast crunch!
[Last person you talked to on the phone] jac.
DO YOU...
[Do drugs?] not plural.
[Have a dream that keeps coming back?] not really.
[Play an instrument?] guitar.
[Believe there is life on other planets?] anything's possible, i guess.
[Remember your first love?] yes.
[Still love him/her?] no, i've moved on to bigger and better things.
[Read the newspaper?] not really.
[Have any gay or lesbian friends?] yes.
[Believe in miracles?] sometimes.
[Do well in school?] i guess so. i'm so indecicive tonight, gosh!
[Go to or plan to go to college] yes, i'm attending now, sorta.
[Wear hats] yeah, i love my little snow hat! :)
[Hate yourself?] sometimes.
[Have an obsession?] music.
[Have a secret crush?] nope.
[Collect anything?] not really.
[Have a best friend?] jac!
[Close friends?] yeah.
[Like your handwriting?] some days it looks nicer than others.
[Care about looks?] a little bit.
LOVE LIFE....
[First crush] ryan ehrie...sigh...haha.
[First kiss] craig pratka.
[single or attached?] i'm hitched!
[Do you believe in love at first sight?] it's possible.
[Do you believe in "the one?"] yes.
[Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?] can't say that i have.
[Are you a tease?] i guess i could be ;)
[Shy to make the first move?] not really.
ARE U A...
[Wuss] yes.
[Druggy] no.
[Daydreamer] yes.
[Freak] no.
[Dork] most definitely.
[Bitch/Asshole] i know how to be a bitch.
[Sarcastic] haha, never!
[Angel] never, really.
[Devil] not so much.
[Shy] kinda, sometimes, maybe.
[Talkative] i could be, hehe.
[Flirty] not really.
and i guess that's it. there should always be a thing that says, "and finally," or, "and here's the last question," instead of just ending like that!
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 9th, 2005
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4:03 am
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-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
awesome!
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, January 7th, 2005
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2:40 am - ...boredom
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1.Ever dated someone younger than you? i am right now...he likes dating older women. ;) haha.
2.Someone older? yes
3.Ever been drunk? i was on saturday, and plan on it again on sunday for jac's birthday! woo!
4.Do you smoke? cigarettes? no.
5.Are you gay? nope. i like the penis.
6.Loved someone whom you knew you couldn't have? not that i can think of.
7.Gotten in a car accident? yeah, a long time ago. it wasn't bad or anything.
8.Had your heart broken? who hasn't?
9.Lied to someone? sometimes you just have to...
10.Last time you cried? hmm, last saturday morning when i saw my that my bathroom was on fire.
11.Last time you laughed? a couple of minutes ago.
12.What age do you see yourself getting married? hmm...maybe 23 or 24. i already found the guy, i'm just waiting now. ;)
13.Describe your dream wedding: sometime in early fall when the leaves have just changed. when it's warm enough that you don't need a jacket, but cool enough that you won't be all sweaty and sticky...black tuxes and burgundy bridesmaids dresses...just and idea. haha.
14.Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? yes. and sometimes a real one cause my cat's usually on my bed at night. i love my hazel-nut!
15.If you could dye your hair with one color, what would it be? maybe red.
16.Do you eat chicken with fingers or with a fork? um, if it's on the bone, pick that bitch up!
17.Would you rather give or receive? haha, depends...
18.Where and how many homes have you lived in? here we go...i was born in memphis tn. lived there till i was 1. then we moved to long island till i was like 3. then we lived in utica, ny. then we moved to endicott, ny...by binghamton. then we moved to montrose, pa, when i was 7. we moved to another house there. then we moved back here to long island when i was 15. so there. i guess that makes, what? 7? damn!
19.Do you play any musical instruments? i play the guitar. i played the flute all through school.
20.One or two pillows? psssh! 3! two under the head and one to hug.
21.Do you get along with your parents? yes.
22.Do you drive? a lot, unfortunately.
23.Whats your favorite color(s)? burgundy.
24.Do you work? i drive everyone in my family everywhere. that's enough.
25.What are your favorite dishes? um, idk. i like all kinds of shit.
26.Who was your first crush? eric de pue and ryan ehrie. i had a mega crush on ryan till i moved away from pa. hahaha, oh well!
27. Are you the romantic type? i'd like to think so. i try, at least.
28. Are you happy? mostly.
29.What are you going to do after this? i guess since it's almsost 3 am, i should go to bed...
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
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3:38 am - happy fucking new year
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yeah...so...2004 ended with a bang, or, rather, a flame...we had some laundry running in the dryer, so we turned on the vent fan thingy in the bathroom. when we do that, we usually keep the door open some cause it gets so hot and humid in there, but some at somepoint during the night closed the door. i think it shorted out the fan and started the fire. but, whatever.
i went to bed at like 1am. tyler comes in my room yelling at 3 am to get up, the bathroom's on fire.
i was like, "what?" i got up and looked into the bathroom and screamed. then i ran back into my room and was pacing and saying, "ok, ok, ok," to myself as i tried to pull myself together enough to put my shoes and my jacket on. then i see my mom look at the three of us who are terrified, and run into the bathroom, grab the first thing she could...in this case, a t-shirt, and swat the flaming shower curtain off of the shower and beat it out on the floor. then she had to like run outside and throw the t-shirt out cause it was on fire. then we walked back to the bathroom, and it was so smokey. i like grabbed my mom and wasn't letting go...to the point where she was like, " i need to go see if everything's out."
it was still really, really smokey. she went up into the attic and came down saying, "call the fire department."
at that point i had already brought my guitar and (for whatever reason) my necklace outside. i went to put the dogs out, but i realized that they're tied up right next to the house, so we had to put them on their leashes and put them in the truck, along with hazel and oliver.
three fire engines, three cop cars, and an ambulance later...after the firemen checked the house and verified that my mom had in fact put out the whole fire herself, the cops ran the report, and they said that we had to pick up the statement or whatever from the firehouse so we could make an insurance claim.
i was most definitely the scariest thing that has ever happened to me in my life. i was literally in shock because i feel like i never actually went through all of that. i was shaking till like 8am. i was too scared to sleep in my bed, so i went and actually slept with my mom in her room...for real. i'm even kinda scared to sleep alone tonight...
so happy fucking new year. hopefully this means that we have officially hit rock bottom because i am damn ready for things to start looking up again. my family's lives...during this past year, especially, has been one long series of unfortunate events. i honestly don't know how much more of this we could possibly handle.
i was seriously ready to just pack the things i could carry on my back and in my left hand, (the right is the designated guitar-carrying hand) and just fucking leave. i don't care where i might have ended up. i'm just so damn tired of it all.
so, it was new year's eve, afterall, and i had already made plans to have a couple people over to hang out/drink/watch the ball drop. just the usuals...jac, chris. they've grown accustomed to my pig-sty of a house, so it doesn't matter what state it's in...charbroiled or not...they can hang out whenever. i bought some junk food, made some chili dip and wings, and hung out with my friends. from came by too, so we were all chilling. it was a lot of fun. jac and i started drinking at like 9:30, so by midnight, we were pretty drunk. i wound up getting to bed at like 3.
i still can't believe the event which took place in this house two nights ago.
but, anyway. now it's 3:37 am. i guess i've made a habit out of going to bed no sooner than 4 am, and that really sucks...sigh...
so, yeah. g'night.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 28th, 2004
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7:22 pm
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i'm writing in this thing because i never do.
tonight, i'm supposed to be doing an open mic in hauppauge, but it's snowing now and my mom doesn't wanna be out driving in it. we'll see what happens a little later because it starts at 10...blah.
yesterday completely sucked. my mom woke us up at 6:45 because she locked the keys in the truck with it running, and we didn't have a spare key. we tried prying the door open enough to squeeze a wire hanger in to unlock it, but that didn't work. my dad wound up driving out here to give us the other key. that was fun.
then when we went back to bed...at like 8, i never really fell asleep again cause i kept getting bothered by either the cats, the dogs, tyler's fucking music, ugh! so needless to say, i woke up with the worst headache i've ever had in my life. i thought my head was going to explode.
then, my mom asked if chris and i would run and get some bagels, so we had to shovel the driveway. he finally backed out, and realized he blew his tire the night before on an old fish tank we had in the driveway/junkyard. so he called triple a to fix that.
fun times.
yeah, anyway, idk what's going on. i think i'm gonna suck tonight if i wind up going, so now i don't wanna go at all. :( this sucks.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, December 10th, 2004
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10:52 pm
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| Sunday, December 5th, 2004
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2:10 am
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all about me!
LAYER ONE
-- Name: beka
-- Birthdate: august 1, 1984
-- Birthplace: memphis, tennessee...yeeehaw!
-- Current Location: my room
-- Eye: brown
-- Hair: brown
-- Height: 5'3"
-- Righty or Lefty: righty
-- Zodiac Sign: leo
LAYER TWO
-- Your heritage: scottish, english, other stuff also.
-- The shoes you wore today: my black boots
-- Your weakness: i have low self-esteem when it comes to my weight...boo.
-- Your fears: spiders.
-- Your perfect pizza: cheese
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: graduate from collge, become a rockstar!
LAYER THREE
-- Your most overused phrase: i say the f-word wayyy too often, haha.
-- Your thoughts first waking up: "i don't wanna be up yet."
-- Your best physical feature: my face.
-- Your bedtime: it depends on how tired i am. tonight, i'm going to bed late!
-- Your most missed memory: being in france with kimmay!
LAYER FOUR
-- Pepsi or Coke: i'm not really a soda drinker.
-- McDonald's or Burger King: neither.
-- Single or group dates: i'm up for either, but sometimes a single date is so much better than a double ;)
-- Adidas or Nike: adidas! hell yeah, superstars!
-- Chocolate or vanilla: depends...vanilla shakes, but chocolate ice cream.
LAYER FIVE
-- Smoke: cigarettes? no...haha.
-- Cuss: all the damn time!
-- Sing: more often than i speak!
-- Take a shower everyday: haha, most of the time.
-- Have a crush(es): haha, if you're dating your crush, does it still count?
-- Do you think you've been in love: most definitely :)
-- Want to go to college: in attendance.
-- Want to get married: most definitely!
-- Believe in yourself: most of the time.
-- Get motion sickness: yes. i'm a loser.
-- Think you're attractive: not to sound conceited, but, yeah, i guess so.
-- Think you're a health freak: oh man...definitely not!
-- Get along with your parents: most of the time.
-- Like thunderstorms: they're amazing in the mountains! but if i'm sleeping, i don't like them. i'm a wuss.
--Play an instrument: i play the guitar :-D
LAYER SIX: In the past month have you...
-- Drank alcohol: yes.
-- Smoked: cigarettes? no. haha!
-- Done a drug: um, gh.
-- Had Sex: i can think of a few occasions ;) haha.
-- Made out: oh yeah.
-- Gone on a date: yep.
-- Gone to the mall?: yes.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: i can honestly say that i have never done that!
-- Eaten sushi: nope, not in the past month.
-- Been on stage: yes i have.
-- Gone skating: nope.
-- Made homemade cookies: no, but i made apple crisp!
-- Gone skinny dipping: not for me.
-- Dyed your hair: i put highlights in it recently, but i can't remember when that was, haha!
-- Stolen anything: nope.
LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: um, no.
-- If so, was it mixed company: i said no, biatch!
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: haha, i plead the 5th.
-- Been caught "doing something": almost.
-- Been called a tease: haha, yes.
-- Gotten beaten up: nope.
-- Shoplifted: when i was like 9...it was a yo-yo.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: kinda, but not really. i had short hair and wore glasses when i first moved here, but i got picked on a lot, so i bought contacts and grew out my hair. that's about it.
LAYER EIGHT
-- Age you hope to be married: 25-ish.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 3 kids, but i haven't thought ahead enough to actually know their names.
-- Describe your dream wedding: somewhere outside in either early autumn or late spring, so it's just warm enough where you wouldn't need a jacket. not too too big, very intimate and simple. :)
-- How do you want to die: what!? who asks that?
-- Where you want to go to college: eh, idk.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: a rockstar, baby!
-- What country would you most like to visit: country? i want to visit all of europe!
LAYER NINE: In a guy/girl...
-- Best eye color: green/blue/dark dark brown.
-- Best hair color: brown/black.
-- Short or long hair: shortish.
-- Height: as long as he's taller than me...which he is! ;)
-- Weight: eh, i don't really care that much, as long as his health isn't in danger, if you know what i mean!
-- Best articles of clothing: boxers :)
-- Best first date location: mini-golf!
-- Best first kiss location: um, on the lips at the beach. :)
LAYER TEN
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: 1 1/2 hahaha.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: my immediate family, and just a couple of friends, but i couldn't only truly trust myself.
-- Number of CDs that I own: idk, i haven't counted recently, dork.
-- Number of piercings: nine, woot!
-- Number of tattoos: zero forever.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: um, once! i played a really good softball game back in high school!
-- Number of scars on my body: i haven't counted. that's gross.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: zero.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 27th, 2004
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3:29 am - yo
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it's been awhile.
yesterday was thanksgiving. it was really nice. mom, brad, tyler, tyler's girlfriend, and i went to gramma and poppy's for dinner. it was so good. then chris and rich came over for dessert, and let me tell you! chris shaved his goatee off, so now he only has the soul patch on his chin...along with his sexy outfit...he looked soo hot! :-D hehe. mmm mmm good. i'll have to put his pic up on my photo site so you can see ;)
after dinner, i went back to chris' house and spent the night. then today, once we...um..."woke up" and got ready to go, we walked around the roosevelt field mall for awhile, and then we ate dinner at his grandpa's house. it was nice.
after all that, we came back here. he brought his bass over, so he, tyler, and i jammed for a little bit...until my mom bitched at us cause it was late. tyler got new heads and cymbals for his drums, so he played those, and i, of course played the guitar. good times. chris just left like a half hour or so ago. that should just about cover the events that took place in the past two days.
but, at any rate, it's 3.30 am, so i think i'm gonna hit the hay. g'night!
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| Saturday, October 30th, 2004
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4:05 am - just thinking...
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so tonight, apparently, at dinner, chris' uncle bobby asked him how long the two of us have been "dating." chris didn't know what to say to that...he knows how long we've been together, but i guess he was trying to explain it to bobby that we're not really just "dating." idk, we're just settled down. we're a couple. one may not think there's a difference, but i know exactly what he's saying. it's not like we're going to the movies or going to play mini-golf to get to know each other. we're over that part. i guess it's mutually agreed upon that we love getting to know each other by just sitting at home and hanging out. we learn something new about each other every day.
so, yeah. he and i were just hanging out a little while ago, and the topic of our exs came up. we weren't name dropping...just saying...noting...how this relationship is so much different, and better than what we were in prior to meeting each other. his ex cheated on him, and mine went complety psycho...for real psycho too, not the fake kind.
we're definitely greatful to be in each other's lives. that's for damn sure.
so this is the love i guess i've been looking for for an extremely long time. i don't want to get all sappy and cheesy on you, but that's really how i feel. i'm so lucky. but not really. i mean, i am lucky, but i feel like i went through soooo much shit to get to where i'm at right now, so damn it, i deserve him! ha!
oh man...haha.
anyway, brad's on his way to boston right now to partake in tomorrow's festivities which include the RED SOX PARADE!!!! AHHH! i'm kinda jealous that he's going. haha. what an amazing come back! they deserved to win the world series. they play with something the yankees sure as hell don't...H-E-A-R-T!
so there you have it. my mind's been wandering for the past 15 minutes or so, so it should make for some interesting reading if nothing more.
g'night...or, g'morning, rather. it is, afterall, 4.03 am.
i'll update this bad boy again after tomorrow night...disruption (chris' band) has another performance. they're opening and they get to use their own equipment, so i know it's gonna rock. they always do! ...this is for you, chrts...\m/ ...a little metal for ya in the morning...haha.
alright, bye for real!
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| Friday, October 29th, 2004
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1:29 am - good show!
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hey everyone! i did open mic at the downtown on tuesday night. it was awesome! the crowd was really cool. my guitar stayed in tune, for the most part, and i only really messed up once, but i don't think it should count because i couldn't hear anything in the damn monitor. haha, but, yeah, everyone thought i rocked. the bassist from the headlining band, sweet tea, came up to me and shook my hand and said, "you've got a really awesome voice." it was cool hearing that from someone in a semi-successful band. hey, they're on tour, which is more than i can say for myself.
but, yeah, if you have my screen name and would like to hear how the show went, im me and i'll send you the recording of it.
that is all. g'night!
oh, check out that link. chris mad a website cause he was bored. but the pics are cute. hehe.
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12:48 am - how cute is he?!
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| Friday, October 22nd, 2004
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1:05 am - taking tests cause i'm bored.
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Take the quiz: "Are you a good girl/boyfriend?"
You are the best
awwww you are everything they ever wanted. You seem to always make them smile. You never argue. They would never even think of cheating on you. you are the lack of a better word
yay! :)
Take the quiz: "Are You In Love?"
You are meant for each other!
CONGRATS! YOU TWO ARE PERFECT...YOUR PARENTS LOVE HIM/HER UR FRIENDS LOVE HIM/HER. LIFE MUST B GREAT HUH??
i hope so! :)
Take the quiz: "What type of music are you?"
Soft Rock
You rock! You're not as hardcore as heavy metal, but you're getting there!
\m/
Take the quiz: "what kind of girlfriend are you? (girls only)"
perfect
you are absolutely perfect. your boyfriend means the world to you, and your determined to keep him forever. your doing a great job, keep it up :)
aww!
Take the quiz: "What Kind of Love Are You?"
Perfect Love
You are Perfect Love! Whoever you are with is probably your sould mate. you like the feeling of always being with them and but them before most others. they are your life and you are theirs. you may even get married someday.
i could only dream...
anyway, i think that's enough gay quizzes for one night...or maybe even a couple of months! damn, i'm a loser!
haha, g'night.
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| Monday, October 18th, 2004
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11:33 pm - stole this from tyler who stole it from some of his friends.
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Last time/thing..
01. Cried: last night...
02. Bought something: not in a long ass time cause i'm broke as shit :(
03. Gotten sick: couple of weeks ago.
04. Sang: getaway...by yours truly!
05. Eaten: tonight was pizza night.
06. Been kissed: saturday night.
07. Felt stupid: hmm, probably sometime earlier today, haha.
08. Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't?: never.
09. Met someone new: idk, i guess the first day of school this semester.
10. Moved on: like a year and a half ago...amen.
11. Talk to an ex: never
12. Missed an ex: um, not very recently at all.
13. Talked to someone you have a crush on: haha, well, there's this guy named chris. he's a bassist in this some metal band...
14. Had a serious talk: listened in on one last night.
15. Missed someone: i miss him as soon as we say g'night. i know, i know, you may now vomit.
16. Hugged someone: last night.
17. Fought with your grandpa: never ever.
18. Dreamed: i don't remember.
19. Harpooned a sea otter: last thursday night.
20. Went to the bathroom: hmm...probably about 2 or 3 hrs ago. haha.
21. Worked up a mean ass lather: oh, that was this morning, baby ;)
Social Life:
01. Best girl friend: jackie, even though we wanna kill each other sometimes!
02. Best guy friend: brad and chris..."oooh, you make me live!" hehe.
03. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: chris, teehee!
04. If no, current dating partner:
06. Pager: what?
07. Are you the center of attention or the wallflower: i'm not a wallflower, and i'm definitely not the center of attention.
08. What type of automobile do you drive: 93 ford explorer.
09. What type of automobile do you wish you drove: hmm...supposedly i'm gonna be getting a 02 jeep liberty, but i don't see that happening.
10. Would you rather be with friends or on a date: depends on the mood ;)
11. Where is the best hangout: anywhere with good company.
12. Do you have a job: i'm working on it.
13. Do you attend church: i'm a jew.
14. Do you like being around people: from what i've heard.
15. Are you the one that spray painted my grandpa? who wrote this shit?
Personal:
01. Who is your role model: i don't have one.
02. What are some of your pet peeves...: i'm obsessive compulsive about some things. and i hate feet! ick!
03. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: probably.
04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: unfortunately...
05. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: yeah, i guess so.
06. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): maybe?
07. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you?: yes, but i'm too chicken shit to do anything.
08. Would you rather be dumper or dumped: being dumped is never fun...
09. Rather have a relationship or hookup? definitely relationship
10. Want someone you don't have right now: i couldn't ever ask for more :-D
11. Ever liked your best guy/girl friend: um, no.
12. Do you want to get married: most definitely.
13. Do you want kids: of course!
15. What is your favorite part of being in a relationship?: the way he looks at me because i know he loves me as much as i love him.
16. What is your favorite part of your physical appearance: i have a pretty face.
17. What is your favorite part of your emotional being: i'm all warm and bubbly.
18. Are you happy with you: for the most part, i guess.
19. Are you happy with your life: eh...if i could change things, i would...
20. If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: i'm poor. i need a job so i can get a car...and these past couple of months have been pretty rough too...blah!
21. Have you ever played soggy biscuit: come again?
22. Have you ever seen my grandpa naked: again...who wrote this shit?
[ Current Clothes ] my pajamas.
[ Current Mood] excited cause the bosox just kicked some yankee ass in the 14th inning! hell yeah!
[ Current Music ] i have a stars in december song in my head.
[ Current Taste ] nothing?
[ Current Hair ] in a pony tail.
[ Current Smell ] i think i smell alright.
[ Current thing you should be doing ] nothing! i have no school tomorrow!
[ Current Desktop Picture ] a picture of clouds that i took at jones beach.
[ Current Book you're reading ] "angels and deamons," by dan brown.
[ Current CD in CD Player ] nothing...i listen to the stuff on my computer.
[ Current DVD in player ] nothing.
[ Current Refreshment ] i just drank me some poland spring.
[ Current Worry ] that i'm not gonna be allowed to go to binghampton with chris next month :(
---and that's it? who wrote this shit?!
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| Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
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12:29 pm
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i've got 10 minutes before i have to leave for lifting. idk what's going on tonight because i really haven't spoken to jackie since, um, monday.
yeah, anyway.
i'm really not in the mood to go to class, but i've already skipped it 3 times. anymore and i think she'll kick me out of the class. that sucks.
but, yeah, the plans were that we were gonna go costume shopping. idk what's gonna happen now. idk if chris'll just come out here or whatever. works for me. i honestly don't care if we go as a huge group of people of if just he and i go.
ugh...i'm just frustrated. i feel like i'm doing all i can to not make her feel all 3rd wheel-esque, and in her mind, i guess i'm doing everything to make her feel that way. idk what she expects, really. what more could i possibly do? i don't usually go out on sunday, tuesday, or thursday nights because i have to wake up to drive my mom to work so i can have the truck to get myself to class. i can't be out all night and then wake up at 6am to go driving my mom around. i don't work that way.
i don't use her, i never have. for anything. i never ask if she wants to drive out there...she usually is the one asking me what the plans are and when we have to be out there, so idk what she wants...gas money? i thank her everytime.
i mean, i can't not touch him. i have to be near him. i'm sorry she doesn't have that with someone, i truly am. i wish she did. i wish i could help, but she knows everyone i know, so there's nothing i can do. if she doesn't have fun with us, why does she come? i don't make her.
idk what more i could do other than to stop stressing over it. i've got so much other shit to worry about. if she's not happy with the way things are going, we'll just have to change them, plain and simple. i'm not gonna do the whole he said she said bullshit because i can't deal with it. we've been friends for way too long to act like that, and she knows it too. that's why she didn't bitch at me, and i didn't bitch at her...we just told each other what we're feeling. sorta. idk, hopefully we'll figure something out. i have fun when we all chill, so i just figured she did too, but i guess i was wrong. that's what i get for assuming all the time, i guess.
blah!
i gotta go.
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